Transcripts listing

Upbeat music playing

Sort of live from Hollywood it's the first annual AMP awards. Ladies and gentleman welcome the first annual a AMP Awards coming to you from Hollywood California. Im very excited,I know you guys have been waiting all year for this. We are going to get to such categories as most disturbing moment, best spanking, and of course the whole thing is going to end with best overall performance male and best overall performance female but firs, with so much drinking going on on this show we thought is only appropriate to start out with our first category Best Drunken Dance

(narrator reading text)

(techno music playing) Why don't show us your signature dance moves brother

ohhh yeah

c'mon I want to see dance like him Oh I can't dance that crazy rock music (Saliva)

I took French acting classes in college for one credit

(Indiscernible yelling then laughing)

I was going to break dance but uh.. Do it Can add music, compose it.

Crowded cheering Do you like and a guy that can break dance? That's hot huh? I love the boy that can break dance Hey, hey your partner 2005

I don't want to know about it, because I don't hear about it, ya got me.

What can you do? I can do a back flip right off to this wall This is perfect our next category tonight is best stunt Oh yeah How appropriate. Let's see what you got Let's see what you got Yeeeeaaaahhhh dude There take look.. best stunt. (narrator reading text) It's a 75 foot gap I'll be going about 35 ft. high in the air.

Crowd cheering

What is that one? It is appropriately called a super. Okay describe why it is called that? Because my nose has to trace all along to super.

Well, the horses there are pretty much bred to buck. (rodeo sounds)

Hey, Jason, get a shot of this, huge balls on this guy. (Laughing)

You know the kids these days, they love the piercing. Give them a loose flap of skin and they will throw some kind of metal rod in it. Our next category, is best piercing. Watch closely.

Oh my god! What have you done to me. I can see that when I close my eyes now.

Indiscernible drunken yelling.

Can we just take one more look, can we do this? Take one more look at what we just saw. Those guys are pierced like in their backs and they are hanging by it. This next category features those images to stay with you for a long time. Yeah. The kind that you still see when you close your eyes. It's time for Most Disturbing Moment. (narrator reading text)

I gotta find my mama.

Right here, this is a first PC doll a torso, we sell it in torso form. How did that feel? Great. It's a little scary. Laughing So, you have to get the full doll right there. That one is even scarier. Thanks.

Congratulations to that doll for winning Most Disturbing Moments. Let's move on. Our next category features people we run into a lot. The last time..by the time we get to these people they have already gotten to the alcohol. That's right. The next category, Favorite Drunk Person. Take a look. (narrator reading text)

I was looking at your eyes. At my eyes? No way, the camel is looking over here. I was looking there. Ohhh, here we go were just gonna let it go a little bit here. Right now, O my God I'm wasted. (indiscernible chatter) laughter.

This is my first one (laughing).

(Cheering). He is throwing up. (speaking German

language)..laughing. I don't even know my name. I was at a hypnotist show all right go ahead. ( yelling ) It's our first time here. It's Parker it is my first time here. Were from Tuscon, Arizona and we love it. Were partying in 2005 to get f# # # up. You're getting crazy close to those guys..yeah..go run in the living room again. Yeah, these are my home boy's right here. What the hell. What's up? Were from Orange County. You're the designated driver. You the designated driver? F# # # no. No. So what are we doing? Were drinking today, booze. Drink the booze and f# # # # taking pictures of bitches.

Let's take a look at the Sexiest Guest. (narrator reading)

Hello. Hello my stage name is Vanessa Bazoom. What is the Bazoom all about, what does that mean? Well, because I have big breasts. Got it.

For art only.

Give us the full action right here. It is all you right now. Whooo I didn't mean that but

When I was saying the full action I didn't mean that I just meant like the modeling stuff laughing, I'm sorry.

Is this is a special Memorial Day Weekend bathing suit? Right, yes.

Hi..come party with us. That is hot s# # # . Whoooo awooo. That is hot, like awooo. That is hot.

This..can we talk about this outfit? Where else would you ever wear this thing besides to The Mansion? Holy s# # # , I would never never ohh. Mom I hope your not watching (laughing)

I like that move. Spin it around. Mom I hope you're not watching. Mom I hope you're not watching.

Some of the categories coming up after the break, Best Use of Lips and Tongue I'm very proud. And the Best Celebrity Moment. Do not go anywhere. We will have more for the first annual AMP Awards right after the break.

Ladies and gentleman, the First Annual AMP Awards. Welcome back everybody, your watching the first annual AMP Awards coming to you from Hollywood, California. This is an exciting night right here. Our next category, Best Performance by an Animal. Take a look.

We are trying to free the ferrits. We make great pets and we are illegal in California. Your also very hot. Why, thank you. Oh..Oh yeah, hello. The bird has the hots for Art. And in Kenya in Africa they used to do..well yeah.. ..hello the diplomacy commissioner for the visiting diplomaries of the.. the, of the um I'm half man, half skunk and I sing I wanna skunk you with the skunkin blues and this is the famous skunk mobile.

There are so many people with like strap on things and uh.. Yeah, this isn't a strap on, this is for real baby.

what? You know what he wants.

We do actually work with a guy like that. His name is Barlow. He is not here this week, but man he is just like that.

A little quiz for you. How old do you have to be for animal humping to suddenly stop being funny? The answer. We don't know yet. Take one more look at Bobby and his dog.

Our next category, Most Awkward Moment. Take a look. (narrator reading text)

Come on, come again. We are awkwardly close together. I don't know. (indiscernible) It's the better end, what do you expect, better end.

What he say? And the angle, hey, hey, hey. What happened there. Sometimes I get left behind. What happened all the sudden. I have no idea. These twirling metal balls inside. Antonio is pretty fierce.

You know the human head is an amazing thing. All sorts of strange sounds can come out of it. That is why our next category is called The Best Noise Made With a Human head. (narrator reading)

(various noises made from people)

How the hell do you do that?

I could have done without the ending on that.

You know hats come in all shapes and sizes. There are manufactured hats that are made in the factory and then there are organic hats, the ones that natures grows, those are my favorite. But here is a look at Best Hat. (narrator)

Nice hat. How's the party going. How's the bachelorette party going? Awesome, I love the hat. I looooove it! Hey, how's it going brother. Nice hat. They call me T-bone and we are really having a good time out her partying..whoo, whoo, whoo. This is the best party I have been at in a looong time. Hey, that is a great hat. Thanks dude. What is up with your boy here, the hat? Ahhhhhh!

Sorry, I saw the camera. See that is what happens to a lot of people. They see this camera, the bright lights, and they want to do a little dance like a monkey and the want to scream. We thought we would get whole category together called Best On-Camera Scream. (narrator reading )

(various people screaming)

This is so fun we looove Vegas.

Next category, just I need your assistance Glen, thank you. This is a microphone my friend. To us it is an audio device. We capture sound with it. Too many people when they first meet this thing, oh, it's a fun toy. Take a look with what they do with it in this category called Best Use of a Microphone. (narrator reading)

What was the question? Oh my God. What are you going to do? Oh..gotcha.

Pretty good huh. You like that? Thank you very much. You like our microphone? Oh I love it.. I love it. Microphones get all sorts of action..uh oh. Can we show that?

All right. No don't take him out with kisses. Ohhh..look at Jed. Can I have this?

Is it making noise, I don't know. Im kind of hungry. Do you guys watch the race at all? It is on? Yes. It is. Well, actually she is doing a great job. She has to hold it..she has to choke up a little bit and hold it closer to her mouth. She will get a f# # # # # great hit. This is what you need to do with a f# # # # # bat. Yeah. Our next category, we talk about wardrobe. That's right it is time for Best Costume. Take a look.

What are we dressed as you too? Oh, kind of 80s throw backs. But it is one thing to dress, but turn around. You know how to wear it too. Look at that. What are you dressed as here buddy? I am Dr. Viagra.

Where did you get that top? Somebody put them on me. Is there like a competition for the best costume. No. Well, you know what, if there were, you guys would win right here. Model this a little bit for us if you would.

Hey baby, Im Carla, the ho of the year. Takes a man who is pretty secure in his masculinity to pull that off. For a ho. Straight from the top and open the bottom..okay. What the hell kind of pimp are you. I am the Miller Lite Pimp. I cannot believe he is out there with you guys. She looks hot. She Looks so good.

All the nutty people. I don't know how this show is going to be ranked but somebody in the next episode is going to get spanked. So, let me tell you Boom what I am thinkin, cause it's the best of whose spanking. Hey how do you do that?

Hello wench ..Hi All right I am going to get out of this whole scene. Well, what happened was me and you were having a good time, man to man, it was just bros.

And there's that.

Whooo

Does it hurt? It feels good. That was nice. (sinister laugh)

Can I do a little smack on your ass, can I get a little smack?

Owwwww.

What do you think of my booty though?

Why don't you get naked?

Hey, how ya doin? Yeah we have been having a lot of fun this half hour, some really goofy categories, a lot of nonsense, but now it is time to get serious. Now, a lot of shows will do kind of a lifetime achievement award, we don't have that, we have Glen. How ya doin?

You have some special moments? I sure did. You want to set that up for us? Well there were a couple of moments that really touched me. Okay. Moments that touched Glen this past year. Take a look. (upbeat music playing)

What?

We will be right back. Nice. I thought you were going to be serious.

(narrator speaking)

Our next category, Best On- Camera Confession. Take a look. (narrator speaking)

More motorcycles or women have you had in your lifetime? Well, I think, well you know, I definitely love women first. Uh-huh That is my, you know women, definitely come first Let's do the math on it. Then motorcycles are definitely second and stereo system, I mean hi-fi So what you're telling me is you are here to say you had more women than motorcycles. I don't know. I still can't count the motorcycles. What about I had the football player, the chicks dig that, don't they? Some of them. You know I am an old football player, they don't know who I am. A lot of these little girls weren't even born when I was playing, but the ones that do know, not bad, not bad Big the question that everyone is asking today. Why no chaps? No chaps. No chaps. Yeah, well you know I did the gay pride parade last week and I had them on there, so I like to change off. I am a repeat customer, I have gotten laid many times. Ahhhh.

You can't say that. No. no. here is the deal, that is the kind of important information I think the viewers want to know. I was a little shocked when Ron Jeremy walked by, that was pretty sweet. Yeah that was pretty cool. I think that is every little kids dream I think to see Ron Jeremy. Well not in that way but you know I mean Ya, I got you.

You know, your lips and you tongue are very special. You can use them for a lot of things and the following nominees are going to show you exactly what I am talking about. It is time for the Best Use of Lips and Tongue my friends. Take a look. (narrator reading)

Oh..uh..hello

I think you came to the right place.

Now, we have a lot of celebrities on the show so we thought we would have a category of Best Celebrity Moments. Well guess what, Iced Tea pretty much walks away with this award. Show the clip and you will see why. (narrator reading) You all have a good time. Pimp/ho party has just begun? Make some noise.

Wow. That is so insane. All right. Ice well done. Congratulations, enjoy your award. The next category, you've been waiting all night for this. Its Best Overall Performance by a Female. Take a look. Here are the nominees. (narrator reading)

They just do it and then in can do one at a time. But not only that I think my ass is not only shakes but vibrates. This is good, this is a good time of the show. For talent. This is a talent. Turn around and give me some. A little ass vibrating.

It's the crotch less whistle panty. Could we see the display part again? Functional You need help? Where's the bush? There I am.

I know, that's my favorite. One of the quickest way to actually leave the man, some people think it's about integrity, its not. It's about touching that tail. Yeah, you know what..it will. And a good kick in the groin too. I didn't know that was part of the deal. Just to let you know I'm all real But you know what is really neat is that What does that mean, Im all real. Like Im all real, this is me. This is me. In my flesh and bones in a bunny costume and you know what is really funny, is people don't know is that it makes these boobs look really big because actually they are kind of small. I got my socks in here. You do not. No. no. I do. I can get in big trouble, but look. Wholly crap!

And it was working out. I also have a little confession to make. Oh God! .by the door..your out of here. Mr. Heff, he is trying to put his hands down his pants That wasn't what I was going to do. And now, our final category. Best Overall Performance Male. Take a look.

Were talking about Austin nightlife. Great. What makes is so good. The females and the drugs man. Nice. Hey, hey your partner 2005. I don't want to know about it because I don't want to hear about it, you got me? Look at this guy's costume right here. Nice. Sir, what are you dressed as. Tell our viewers what the costume is. Natural. Your dressed as naked man. No. Natural. Natural man. You were naked once. I was and then I quickly learned it wasn't a way to go for me. Sponge Bob..no pants. Tell them we would like them to come out next year. Come out next year! We'll have a lot of fun.

That guy might win all time. He might come back year after year. That's' it. Congratulations to all the winners. Thanks to everyone, all the nominees. Thanks to you guys for watching. We would like to end the show with a little food, right? for the fat guy.

This was a fun awards show tonight, wasn't it? Uhhh. We did good right. Yes. Congratulations to everybody. Thanks for watching. Look at this thing. Oh boy, that is going to wreak havoc. Oh man. Oh boy.

See you guys next time or will I? Put chilly on there too. Look at that thing, that's gorgeous. Maybe next years category best food. See you guys next time. Thanks for watching. Thank you very much.